TW: Mentions of Sexual Assault
I’m going to go to a party tomorrow.
I can’t believe I’m doing this! I know parties are places of temptation, but my friends are all going and I just can’t help myself. They’re all purity club members, we’ll keep each other on the straight and narrow. I’m so excited, and at the same time I want to throw up because I’m so nervous. My parents obviously don’t know I’m going, I told them I’m staying at my friend Holly’s tomorrow night. I will be, kinda, just… after the party.
I will seriously throw up. This is so exciting. I just have to remember that I’m a fine china tea cup, not Styrofoam and disposable. I’m not easy, and I will remain pure until Jesus chooses my soulmate. ♥
For now though… I have to figure out what I’m going to wear!
I think I was raped last night.
I didn’t drink any alcohol, I didn’t dance with any boys, I was just there to hang out with my friends and keep them reliable. I was drinking a Sprite. It had a funny aftertaste but I didn’t think of it until I woke up a few hours later. The party was over, my friends were gone, and my skirt was on backwards and my tights had snags.
I’d been redressed in my sleep, and I’m really sore, like I’ve been thrown across the room.
I’m such a hypocrite. You don’t put yourself in those situations. That is willingly straying from God’s Will and protection.
I’m going to church today and praying for forgiveness… and hopefully I’ll forget anything ever happened.
I can’t believe the NERVE of some people!
The nurse had the gall to insinuate I was pregnant. PREGNANT. You can’t get pregnant by doing it once, even if I have done it at all! I’m not even sure if I was raped!
I’m honestly so mad right now. I told my mom to complain to the school, this is so awful. Tomorrow I’m excused from school to go to the doctor.
I had a panic attack, get this, a panic attack! In the restroom! After I left the stupid nurse’s office. I’m so angry. I couldn’t breathe, I just kept thinking about that stupid party, and I’m even madder at that stupid nurse!
I’m going to bed, I’m tired from all the freak outs I had today. I don’t care that I have homework or that it’s only eight PM. Today was rough.
My life is over.
I’m pregnant. I tried to get an abortion today, but apparently there’s a twenty four hour wait. And by the time I got home, the doctor already let my mother know. She was furious. I’m hiding in my room because I don’t want to see the look on my daddy’s face when he first finds out.
Laptop? Taken. Cellphone? Taken. I’m not allowed to leave the house. I can’t have friends over. I can’t go see them.
And the only computer time I’m allowed to have is with my mom over my shoulder as I message every person I can find on Facebook that was at that party. I cried so much I threw up. I tried to tell her that I didn’t remember, and she slapped me and called me a liar and a whore.
I only managed to message two of the guys, the ones who owned the house. They haven’t gotten back to me yet.
I want to die.
I’ve managed to find everyone I could at the party. No one remembers seeing me with anyone. And most of the guys never even got back to me.
Right now I’m watching moms on the streets, taking their kids trick or treating. I never got to do that as a kid. It’s a Devil’s Holiday… least that’s what my parents would say.
But those kids are having so much fun. I hear them laughing and talking and I feel so jealous, but at the same time, I wonder if I’ll be that mom. Out with her kid on Halloween, helping make my daughter into a princess or a cowgirl or a witch or really anything she’d want to be. I actually want that.
I don’t think I’ve spoken to my mom more than a sentence or so a day since I’ve been locked up in my room. I don’t want that to happen between me and my baby.
I promise, baby girl. We’ll get out of here someday. I don’t know why I believe so strongly that you’re a girl. But you are. I know it. And we’re going to leave my parents the moment we can, and it’ll just be me and you. I love you so much. I do.
And no one is going to make me feel ashamed of you. Not anymore.
I found the father.
I’m partially relieved but at the same time I’m… afraid. I don’t want to meet him. I want him to stay away from me and my daughter. But I don’t really have a choice in the matter. He reached out directly to my parents, told them that he had been out of the country and hadn’t been checking his Facebook. He’s going to come over tomorrow night to have dinner with us.
I’m tempted to fake being sick, the Lord knows I’ve been in bed with morning sickness half the day. But my mom’s going to kill me if I don’t cooperate. She still thinks I can get married to this man.
I can’t even remember his name. He raped me. I don’t want anything to do with him.
That is not the father of my child.
I don’t know who he is but I do not remember him at the party. My mother forced me to get ‘pretty’ and to wear my nicest dress. I might be a ‘harlot’ (her words not mine), but I have to impress my future husband. I tried to tell her he’ll definitely not want to marry me but she pinched my arm so hard it’s bruised.
He arrived at six PM on the dot, and when he walked in I knew there was no way he was the father.
‘Malak’ is absolutely no younger than thirty five and wouldn’t be the type to be caught dead at a college party. He speaks with the class of someone who’s spent his entire life in high society, and he charmed my mother so fast she almost rolled out the red carpet. My father was a bit more hesitant, given his age, but Malak’s silver tongue had them chatting and laughing away.
I just stayed quiet the whole night, not that I had much room to speak. Malak dominated the conversation just by existing.
When finally dinner was over, he turned his attention to me, and I shivered under his gaze.
“So, Bridget. It may not be the best of situations, but would you like to come live with me during the rest of your pregnancy? I can make sure you’re always taken care of, I have personal doctors and I’d like to keep an eye on my future daughter… or son. What do you think?”
My mother practically leaped to agree for me. I just nodded and faked a smile before I ran up here.
I don’t want to live with Malak. I’d rather be locked up in this prison of a house than go live with him. He scares me.
I hear someone coming up the stairs.
It was Malak. He came into my room and oh my god, I’m so scared I think I’m going to cry.
He told me he didn’t rape me at the party. That no one did, but I did come very close. My tights were down by the time he came into the bedroom. The suicide that happened down the street, at the bridge? That was the boy who was going to rape me. According to Malak anyway.
‘I like irony, and it’d be the sweetest thing, having a virgin bear my child.’
I don’t know what he was talking about. He said I was to have my things packed by tomorrow, he’d be picking me up then and it was all arranged.
When he left the room, he stopped to look at the cross on my wall. It fell from the wall and broke, no, it shattered into a million splinters. Then he kept on walking.
It’s ruined. I’ve had that cross since I was a baby. It was made of a sturdy wood, even if it was old, it shouldn’t have broken like that. I think I’m going crazy.
But he also knows I’m going to have a girl.
I’ve lived in Malak’s mansion for a week.
My room is enormous. My closet is so deep I can walk several steps inside. It’s full of dresses, made for different stages of maternity. Just one of these dresses would be worth more than the amount of clothes I buy in a single year. They’re so lovely too, each one personally made for me.
We’re going to the courthouse to get married tonight. My mom was upset that it wouldn’t be in a church, but I wondered if Malak would burst into flame if he even stepped foot on church grounds.
Any religious things I’ve brought into the house have either gone missing or broken. I think I saw the cover of my childhood Bible in the remains of the ashes of the fireplace, but I can’t be sure.
I can’t say I’ve been treated badly though. In fact, it’s the opposite. I’m waited upon like a queen. If I so much as open my mouth immediately there is someone there, eager to give me whatever I ask for. Lately I’ve really liked eating cookies and cream ice cream with sliced sweet and dill pickles. I asked them and within a half hour I had a tray with the bowl of ice cream and both kinds of pickles. It was delicious.
But at the same time, I’m still scared. I’m treated like royalty, and I don’t know why. All I am is the mother to Malak’s daughter. And the way they look at Malak… it’s with reverence and terror.
The servants don’t call him Malak though. They call him Master.
Something happened to the other girls at my school.
I was reading a baby name book while the TV was on in the background. Then Malak burst into the room, saw I was there, and told me that I had to remain indoors. I asked what was wrong and he wouldn’t say, he just told me again that I had to remain inside and not tell anyone where I was.
I turned on the news after he left and found out. There’s a huge thing going down at school today. The story is that some form of contaminant got into some school lunch and all students infected would have to be quarantined.
The camera panning over students being taken away though revealed a different story.
They were all pregnant.
Christmas is here. There’s no nativity, no going to church tonight. But there is a log burning in the fire and there’s the most beautiful Christmas tree.
I’ve accepted why I’m here. I’m having a special baby. Malak is special. And he picked me because he wanted to keep my baby safe.
We’re snuggling by the fire right now. Malak gifted me so many cute baby dresses. The best present though was going into the nursery.
It’s perfect. So soft and pink. I love pink. Malak looked so pleased when I hugged him. I nearly cried. That might be because of hormones though. I’m showing now too. I love my little baby belly. And Malak… I think he truly loves me.
He’s snickering. I think he read over my shoulder. You jerk.
I cried blood today.
I don’t really know why I started crying in the first place, I think I dropped something and it broke. But I started crying, and then I smelled it. At first I thought it was a nosebleed, given the familiar bitter scent. I used to get them all the time as a kid and I’m starting to get them more again.
But a servant ran in and cried out for her Master in shock.
Thick blood was dripping from my eyes.
Malak cleaned me up and snuggled with me in the study while I asked him what was going on, and if our baby was okay. He reassured me that my body was trying to adapt to the wonderful life inside of me, a life more than anything nature predicted. The baby will be fine. But I must be careful.
I must not get hurt. The wound might not be able to heal. The blood constantly expelling from my body would keep breaking it open. There will be more blood. From my eyes, my nose, and my ears. Don’t panic. I’m perfectly okay.
At night I will sleep with Malak, and he will protect me from any of the night terrors that will come for me.
I will feel cold. This will be normal. I will have any blankets or robes brought to me and the heat will be turned up.
And if I think anyone, even my most trusted servants, bear any ill will to me or my baby, I must tell Malak. He will get rid of them.
I’m watching Malak sleep right now.
It’s like watching the dead. I’m not even sure if he breathes. But he’s warm. Always so warm. I like having him around because of that, and the sharing the bed isn’t as bad as I thought it was. I stayed awake for a long time that first night. It’s not like sharing a bed with mom and dad.
But he’s good at keeping the night terrors away. Sometimes I see them, in my dreams I see darkness in the corners. But I face forward, into his eyes. And he tells me to just look at him, and I will be safe and free.
Oops. He’s not asleep. He just cracked an eye open and told me to put down the book. I need plenty of rest for the baby after all. I’ll go to sleep. I just wanted to write for a bit to settle.
Valentine’s Day! We didn’t go out. I haven’t left the premises in case of anyone recognizing me and trying to take me away. Thankfully no one’s come looking for me yet. I don’t want to leave Malak.
Our date though. It was just relaxing next to the fireplace while eating my favorite ice cream. Malak showed me some tricks with the fire. I’m not sure how he does it, but I’ve learned that I shouldn’t question these things. He made the fire dance and jump about, curl out and even create figures. Just with a twitch of his hand.
It’s power. It’s pure power. But it’s also so beautiful.
I haven’t written for so long. I suppose it’s just been busy.
None of the names I’ve picked out sound good for the baby either. Malak reassures me. Tells me I’ll know when I see her.
I guess there’s just nothing to say lately. I just can’t wait for my baby girl.
Malak had to leave me last night, and I understand why he told me he wanted to stay with me to protect me from the night terrors.
Diary, they were horrible! Screeching banshees and wailing women and dying men… I can’t put into words what it all was. I just remember Malak shaking me awake and calling my name, pulling me from this pit of hell back into the waking world.
I’d screamed so harshly I can’t talk anymore diary. It hurts. The servants have given me honey and other soothers, but I still can’t talk. Malak told me my voice will come back soon enough, but for now it just hurts so badly.
I’m afraid to sleep. Knowing that awaits me. But I just need to make sure I only fall asleep with him, in his bed. He is the only one who can protect me.
I wish the other mothers were with me though. I feel so bad knowing that they don’t have Malak to protect them. I hope they can come here soon. We could raise our babies together. A real family.
We can all trick or treat together.
The baby will be here soon. I’m so huge. I feel like a whale.
Malak kisses my belly and tells me that I’m the prettiest whale he’s ever seen. I laugh and call him a jerk. I feel so safe around him though. Even with the other mothers that will one day join us, I am special. I know I am.
I’m a mother.
Wow, I can’t even remember making that last entry. I was really that tired.
But yeah! I’m a mom! I’m a real mom! My baby has her father’s eyes and her hair’s already looking super dark like his too. Just like her daddy. It was over twelve hours of labor, and I was really worried at first since she came out looking like she was bitten by something. But she’s fine! The marks have faded a bit, they’re just adorable baby birthmarks now.
And Lucifer was right. I knew her name the moment she came out of me.
The other girls came tonight.
I was sitting with Jezebel and her daddy. Lucifer was petting my hair, I keep forgetting and calling him Malak but he’s never cross about it. I didn’t hear a thing but suddenly my husband looked up before he started to smile.
They had come through the gate.
They were covered in ashes and dirt, some were bruised and injured, and some of them had to carry in their arms babies that weren’t theirs.
Some of the mothers hadn’t made it out when they set their prison ablaze.
Alice was in front, I think that’s her name. We weren’t ever friends, I was mistaken in assuming she was just a slut at the time. Her arms were clutching onto a baby that wasn’t hers. I knew. She looked at my husband and said, “Absalom’s safe. I sent him away before the fight.”
Lucifer looked so thankful.
We’re still trying to make room, but I’m having Jezebel share a room with Sapphira. That’s Rosie’s baby. We’re making this work of course. It’ll be rough, if I’m honest. So many girls. And I feel so sad that some didn’t make it. Raquel. Catherine. And of course, the first one whose abortion ended her life so early, Lori. We all miss her. We’re already planning on setting up a small shrine to her. Just a way to honor her.
We are all his wives now.
Jezebel has gotten so big! There’s no time to write in my diary, so I suppose I’ll simply have to put this aside until Jezebel’s older. Then I’ll show her some of the entries. Telling her how happy I am to have such a beautiful girl.
All of us are getting ready for Halloween. No going out yet, they’re too little, but we’re gonna make them little costumes and play around and take all the pictures so we can embarrass them when they get older. I was at the store today picking up some things and I made time to grab supplies for an angel costume. I’m so sure Lucifer’s caught on to what I’m doing but he finds it funny.
Oh, speaking about that- while I was at the store today, I saw the school nurse.
It was only for a second, and at first I didn’t recognize her. I don’t think she realized I saw her at all. But Lucifer saw her too and I recognized that smile on his face.
I hope Jezebel won’t mind having another little brother.