Edward The Great: Hey man you awake?
Weird Cedric: dude it’s three am
Weird Cedric: of course I’m awake what’s up
Edward The Great: Tryouts for the wrestling team are in three weeks. I don’t think I’ll be able to take the heat. I know I won’t make it.
Weird Cedric: Hey hey hey don’t give up now you GOTTA make it
Edward The Great: I’m a stick. Let’s be honest. Even if I worked out every day there’s no way I could match up to those meatheads.
Weird Cedric: steroids?
Edward The Great: Are you… you’re absolutely serious. Dude. No. Illegal. Expensive. And it shrinks your dick.
Weird Cedric: oh yeah
Weird Cedric: I’ll keep my eyes peeled and tell you if I come up with something
Weird Cedric: don’t give up man you got this
Edward The Great: Thanks for the false confidence. It’s shockingly working.
_ _ _
Bunny: <3 <3 <3 hi Eddie!
Edward The Great: Oh! Hi Alyssa.
Bunny: So Cedric slipped to me that you wanna join the wrestling team?
Edward The Great: I’m going to murder your brother, I swear to god. But yeah. What do you think?
Bunny: The fact you’re trying at all I think is super cool! 😀 I wish you luck!
Edward The Great: Really? Thanks… but if I’m gonna be honest, I don’t think they’ll let me in. I’m trying really hard but I don’t think I’m strong enough.
Bunny: … Well…
Edward The Great: Yeah?
Bunny: So um. You know how I love to search the weird parts of the internet? There’s this guy. Name’s Gus.
Edward The Great: I already told Cedric there’s no way in hell I’m not taking steroids.
Bunny: Good for you! I hear they shrink your testicles… but this isn’t steroids. This guy’s a total genius. Natural cure. And if I’m looking correctly, he just put up a new thing about a ‘strength potion’ he’s concocted.
Edward The Great: No shit.
Edward The Great: How much is it? If it even helps me bulk up a little I’ll go for it.
Bunny: Thirty five dollars for a week’s dose. Gus recommends two weeks for the best effect. If you go for it, I’ll pitch in!
Edward The Great: I’m in, why not. If I turn up dead, you know who and what to blame.
Edward The Great: … Bunny?
Edward The Great: Bunny, are you still here?
Bunny: … My dad just got home. He’s mad. I can hear him shouting at Cedric.
Bunny: Oh god I think I forgot to take care of the dishes
Bunny: I have to go
Edward The Great: Stay safe.
_ _ _
Edward The Great: Cedric? Are you two okay?
Weird Cedric: I’m good
Edward The Great: Cedric…
Weird Cedric: … Can’t go to school tomorrow. I got a black eye and it hurts to breathe
Weird Cedric: nothing’s broken though
Weird Cedric: take notes for me
Edward The Great: Shit.
Edward The Great: … And Bunny?
Weird Cedric: she made me promise not to tell
Edward The Great: I’m going to kill him.
Weird Cedric: no man my dad’s a fucktard but he’s also huge and a COP with a GUN
Weird Cedric: you don’t stand a chance
Edward The Great: Your sister told me about this ‘Strength Potion’ thing. Wanna give it a shot?
Weird Cedric: after tonight hell yeah
Weird Cedric: maybe if I can overpower him just once he’ll finally leave us alone
_ _ _
Edward The Great: Okay I’m adding your sister to this chat.
Bunny: Hi bro 😀 😀 <3 <3 <3
Weird Cedric: hey baby sis
Weird Cedric: what’s up man
Edward The Great: Did you get the stuff?
Weird Cedric: yup it comes in a powder you mix with milk
Weird Cedric: looks like nesquik smells like shit
Edward The Great: Smells all burnt to me. Turns the milk a weird color too. It’s turned like mossy green.
Bunny: Bottoms up, boys! 😀 I can’t wait to see the results!
Edward The Great: Oh fuck me.
Weird Cedric: dude my sister’s in here
Weird Cedric: same though my eyes are watering and I’m trying not to barf
Bunny: Oh no D: I’ll bring you some orange juice Cedric!
Edward The Great: Tastes like ashes. Or the time my mom made me drink charcoal infused water because I had a stomach bug. Coats my throat like it too. UGH.
Edward The Great: Orange juice does the trick though. If I don’t see results like ASAP I’m giving up.
Weird Cedric: agreed. This shit nasty
Bunny: Oh shit that’s dad’s car in the drive! Cedric, did you take out the garbage?
Weird Cedric: oh god I didn’t. I’ll do it fast maybe he won’t notice. Night Ed.
_ _ _
Edward The Great: My stomach hurts but these results are. LEGIT.
Weird Cedric: I know
Weird Cedric: it’s been five days and I’m already trimming down
Edward The Great: I know! Same workout schedule and my abs are on the way to rock. Hard.
Edward The Great: Look out, Coach Mayer. You’re gonna have a new star on the team.
Weird Cedric: you’re working out? Shit I should start doing that
Edward The Great: Oh hardy fucking har.
Edward The Great: So um. Alyssa.
Weird Cedric: what about her
Edward The Great: Has she… talked about me lately?
Weird Cedric: I get it you want to bone my sister
Weird Cedric: its cool though
Edward The Great: Oh thank god I thought you’d kill me.
Weird Cedric: she’s into you and you’re like the least shitty person I know.
Weird Cedric: you break her heart though and I’ll break your spine
Weird Cedric: with my new bod
Edward The Great: I get it I get it
Edward The Great: I love her man. I’d rather stab myself than hurt her.
_ _ _
Bunny: So? Don’t keep me waiting! 😀 Did you make it? Did you?
Edward The Great: Well…
Edward The Great: Yes. 😀
Bunny: Oh my god! Oh my god! I’m gonna be dating a guy on the wrestling team!
Edward The Great: Where’d you get that idea?
Bunny: … Cedric.
Edward The Great: He’s dead to me.
Edward The Great: But you really want to date me?
Bunny: Duh! J You goof. You’re super sweet, and you’re my brother’s best friend! If my brother thinks you’re good people, you’re good people.
Bunny: BTW have you experienced any side effects? From the Strength Potion?
Edward The Great: Well, now that you mention it… other than the abs, I’ve gotten a bit of a cough. I feel like I’m choking on dust. It’s probably just a cold though. A few of the other dudes on the team have the same thing.
Bunny: It probably is then. I’m just a worry wart.
Bunny: Soooo, see you Wednesday for dinner and a movie?
Edward The Great: I can see who wears the pants in this relationship, and I like it. Absolutely.
_ _ _
Weird Cedric: ok mayday mayday Houston we got problems
Weird Cedric: I swear to god if you don’t wake up right now I’m telling my sister that the Strength Potion shrunk your penis too
Edward The Great: What the fuck?! Your penis is shrinking?
Weird Cedric: well not yet
Weird Cedric: but shit just got weird
Weird Cedric: I woke up because I was coughing and I’m not shitting you I started coughing up mud
Edward The Great: The fuck???
Weird Cedric: I turned on the light and everything
Weird Cedric: It’s not blood. It’s flat out dirt.
Weird Cedric: dirt that smells like the shitty strength potion dirt
Edward The Great: Okay okay okay. First off, try to convince your dad to let you go to the doctor tomorrow.
Weird Cedric: fat fucking chance
Edward The Great: I said TRY. And next, let’s both cut off the strength potion. If you’re coughing up dirt, odds are I will be too. It’s probably something that’s built up in our respiratory system because we’ve been taking so much.
Weird Cedric: dude I only did the trial period
Weird Cedric: the three days
Weird Cedric: I’ve been out for weeks
Edward The Great: … Fuck.
_ _ _
Edward The Great: How’s Cedric?
Bunny: Bedrest. The doctor says that it’s a kind of fungus that’s grown in his lungs, but my dad refuses to let him stay in hospital. Says it’s too pricey and we can’t afford it. Can’t afford it, my ass, we’d be able to if he didn’t drink away his fucking paycheck!
Bunny: I’m sorry Edward… how are you doing?
Edward The Great: Not great if I’m honest. Literally every time I cough a puff of dust comes out. My mom thinks I’ve taken up a pottery class because I reek of clay. Has Cedric’s skin gotten, well… for the lack of better term, is it like some sort of shell?
Bunny: … Holy shit. You too?
Edward The Great: Yeah. And I’m taller. I’m buying new clothes and praying Mom doesn’t notice. My skin’s like cracked mud. It’s getting tougher by the day and it’s getting harder to move my face. I’m basically perma bitch face right now.
Edward The Great: I think I’m… turning into something. I’m so scared.
Edward The Great: Will you still like me even if I’m a monster?
Bunny: Of course! I like you Edward! Not what you look like or your muscles!
Bunny: You’ve always been perfect, Edward. And I
Bunny: my dad’s home oh my god oh my god and he’s kicking up a fit oh my god
Bunny: I lov
_ _ _
Edward The Great: Where the FUCK are you Cedric?!
Edward The Great: I went to your house and your dad’s dead. I heard some of the cops say his body was completely crushed like he was ran over by a car. What happened? Is Alyssa okay? Are YOU okay?
Weird Cedric: This is Alyssa. His fingers are too thick to push the buttons now.
Weird Cedric: How are you hitting them?
Edward The Great: Voice commands. My fingers are weird too. More accurate they’re the size of sausages and the joints are stiff. What happened to us?
Weird Cedric: I’m so sorry. This is my fault. I keep trying to email Gus and he’s not responding. I think you’ve been set up.
Edward The Great: This is not your fault, okay? This is that little prick’s fault. Where are you guys going?
Weird Cedric: We stole dad’s car. Cedric told me of a place to go. He said it’s the one with all those weird stories about goat men? He said you’d understand.
Weird Cedric: I love you. So much.
Edward The Great: Tell him I understand. Thank you. I’ll catch up. One thing about having a body made of stone and mud is that you don’t get tired. I’m gonna find the other guys though… If this is a fungus, I’ve spent the last three weeks coughing it into their faces and they’ve breathed it in. I’m gonna go offline and I’ll see you again.
Edward The Great: I love you too Alyssa. Just as much. Take care of Cedric. And if Gus contacts you, tell me where to find that little piece of shit so he can turn me back.