Autopsy Report

You would not believe what kind of shit I’ve pulled out of people.

Hi, I’m Mike. I cut into dead bodies for a living. It’s not exactly the kind of job that gets you laid, but it pays the bills. Anyway. Back to what I was saying. Fucked up shit in dead bodies. The weirdest ‘normal’ thing I’ve pulled out of a person was a hairball out of someone’s stomach. And when I say hairball, I mean it looked like the woman had swallowed a cat. She was a suicide victim. Probably bit into her hair because of anxiety. I get it. My little sister has issues with that sort of thing.

Wow. Off topic again. Clearly I’ve pounded those beers a little faster than I thought. I’m not here to talk about hairballs. No. I’m here to talk about something really weird.

Over the course of three weeks, I got three cadavers that have topped the weirdness scale. I swear, everything I’m saying is true, and I got no explanation as to how the things got into their bodies… or why they were in there in the first place.

Forks up a vagina. Yup. Forks. Up. A vagina. Yowza.

When I uncovered the body, I made a few notes. One, she was in her late teens, probably a senior in highschool and not much more. She was probably pretty, when she was alive. I’m not a freak, I think dead bodies are hideous. You really see all the flaws when someone’s dead before they’re made to look pretty for the funeral.

Anyway, apparently she’d just dropped during algebra with massive bleeding out of her crotch. She didn’t even make it to the ambulance before they called it. They sent her down to me, in my cold, dark basement morgue, and I let my sister know I wouldn’t be home until late and she could stay at Annie’s house tonight.

When I saw the silvery prong starting to edge its way out of her ‘lady spot’ I wondered if she’d been stabbed and just hadn’t gone for help. I’ve seen things along that line before. I got ahold of it and eased what appeared to be a bloodied, metal dessert fork outta there. I dropped it into the tray and felt nothing but confusion. How the hell had a dessert fork gotten up there?

When I opened her up, I found nine more, all the way up to her cervix. One had even gotten trapped in her uterus. I’m thinking she might’ve confused it for the worst motherfucking cramps of her short life- she was on her period.

When I told the investigator that cause of death was massive bleeding caused by a fork up her vag, he laughed in my face. When I showed him the evidence though he changed his mind.

In the end we had to put the cause of death as something self-inflicted as there wasn’t any evidence of someone forcing them up there. Honestly though. Forks. Like the ones my mom used to eat her little cheesecakes and tarts with while laughing with her friends.

The second one was just as weird. Another teenage girl, around the same age. She had a more athletic build though, probably was in the gymnastics or swim team. She’d started vomiting blood in the parking lot after school. And a little something extra.

Pins.

When I cut open her stomach it was jam packed with sewing pins. I swear it was bulging with them. I’d never seen so many in my life, cept when I snuck into my gran’s sewing room. Old women have a million pins, I swear.

I can’t even tell you the final count up. Far too damn many. But again, there was no evidence she’d had them forced down her throat… although this is where it takes a step farther.

There was no evidence she’d swallowed them at all.

I had no answers. Somehow this girl had a porcupine of pins in her stomach and I had no idea how they got in there. The hospital literally brought in three other dudes, some who have been doing this for a decade longer than I have.

We all turned up squat. I think one of the guys went straight from the morgue to a bar. It was pretty heavy shit.

But the last one is the one that’s going to give me nightmares.

By the time another teenage girl’s body turned up, I wouldn’t have batted an eyelash if I had cut her open and fucking Jennifer Lawrence turned up in there. I was done.

This girl’s death wasn’t so bloody. She’d just asphyxiated in class. Some students claim they saw something sticking out of her mouth, but at the moment she was on the slab, there wasn’t.

Not until I cut open her throat anyway.

The slit I’d made split wide open and the brown patterned head of a ball python poked out. Like it was breaking free from the egg.

I might’ve screamed like a little girl and fell back on my ass so hard I bruised my tailbone.

By the time I got back up, the python had mostly squirmed free. The sucker had to be about five feet long, and it was now curled up across the girl’s chest, looking entirely unbothered about where it just crawled free from.

Nervously, I extended my arm to the scaly creature. He slithered up and made himself comfortable.

I clocked out early and told the nurse I’d caught the stomach flu. I snuck out the snake in my lunchbox. Lil guy was always good at not making a fuss.

When I got home, my sister had cleaned up her little ‘ritual’ site, but the dribbles of wax on the ground and the smell of burnt blood still lingering on the air gave away what she’d been up to. I put the python back in her tank and pulled out a few beers from the fridge.

When I get back to work I’ll have to play dumb again. Not like there’d be much to prove there was a snake in the girl’s throat in the first place.

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