Can Someone Help Get This Tick Off Me?

Ugh. I gotta go to the internet for this one guys. I’m out of ideas and I don’t have the money for a doctor’s visit, so I have to find help elsewhere.

I live in a really wooded part of Michigan, and most years the ticks are a nuisance but not much more. If I’m negligent on putting the tick collar on Lucy she’ll usually get one or two behind the ears, and if I walk through the brush I usually find one on my jeans. Rarely do they actually get their nasty lil heads buried into my skin.

There’s always those years though. The ones with the mild winters, no real deep freeze. Those are the years I dread. Because those are the years the ticks come out in full force. Like little invaders, they swarm anything with a pulse, latching on and not letting go unless they get their fill.

And yup. I got one of those fuckers on me last night.

It must’ve happened last night while I was checking on the chickens. They were acting rowdy and making a fuckton of noise so I went to check. Nothing was the matter, so I locked up and went straight to bed. I must have walked through a taller patch of grass on the way in and didn’t think to check myself over.

I found it when I got up to take a shower. I’d just taken off my shirt when I saw it. A tick sticking out from under my armpit.

I was furious, but thankful as the little fucker wasn’t bloated yet. He’d likely just finished digging his disgusting mouth into my skin. If I hadn’t been paying attention, I would’ve thought it was a mole or a freckle and moved on.

Of course I did the most obvious thing first- I grabbed the sucker from behind and gave it a tug. Nothing happened. I’d not noticed it in time and right now the tick was enjoying a nice delicious breakfast of my blood. Infuriating, to say the least.

I dug through my bathroom to find the tweezers. I always had some in easy reach, especially since Lucy always gets a damn tick on her during the summer. Sure enough, found it next to my spare razor and I pulled out the bastard and went on my way.

Or I wanted to, except this tick had accepted the fact it’s gotten an all you can eat buffet of a human and isn’t coming out. It was the most infuriated moment of my life. I even just pulled on its body, accepting I’d have to go dig for the head, but something had cemented the tick’s head to its body or something. It wasn’t coming apart.

I was so goddamn pissed.

Next trick in the book- suffocate the fucker. I got the soap out and drowned the tick in it. Without the ability to get air, it should pull out a little, and I should be free.

I had to go about my chores though. I don’t live in the dangerous tick area, I wasn’t scared of contracting anything, and I needed to take care of my chickens. They were my pets along with my dog, I couldn’t leave them indoors all morning just because a stupid tick wouldn’t leave me be.

Didn’t take too long, maybe around thirty minutes? Anyway, I figured by then the bastard would’ve pulled out and I’d be ready to go.

Nope. Still in there. Happily sucking away too, the fucker had started to bloat. Now I could tell this was not the usual tick.

The only ticks I’ve ever stumbled across here are called Dog Ticks. They’re brown and not very big, but they swell up real good when they’re feeding. This tick, ugh I’d take a picture but my phone camera’s busted, it’s kinda light gray? Has some weird reddish speckling pattern too.

I tried to squish it between my fingers, knowing when their bodies were fat they normally burst like balloons, but the tick’s shell won’t give. It’s like a rock.

And even under more soap, it wouldn’t budge.

So my final plan was to burn the bitch.

My dad swore by this method. I found a lighter and after taking my shirt off, flicked the lighter on and held it underneath the tick. I was so sure it would let go after being set aflame.

I… don’t really remember much of what happened after that. A bunch of sparks went off in front of my face, singed my hair real good. I heard a shrill scream, my arm began to uncontrollably spasm. Then I woke up, on the floor, and it was pitch black outside.

Motherfucking tick was. Still. There.

It’s gotten huge now, it’s probably the same length as my thumb and thicker than an Oreo cookie. The site around the bloodsucker is starting to turn green. The veins in my arm are all popped out, and I’ve grown super woozy and got a serious case of head fog, like my allergies are kicking up.

I can’t find Lucy. Damn dog’s nowhere to be found, I wonder if she got distracted chasing the chickens off, I can’t find them either. Their eggs are all destroyed though, smashed. I think I found a few more ticks crawling among the yolks.

So yeah. There’s all that. If anyone can seriously send me some advice on how to remove a stubborn tick, that’d be amazing.

Especially since I found another one of them imbedded into the back of my knee.

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