God. I did not want another dog. I really did not want another dog. But after I had to put Bill down there is only so much whining a man can stand before he finally caves and gets his kids a new dog.

Of course, they wanted a puppy. And there’s not much worse than housebreaking a new puppy.

Sure, I’ll admit. Sadie is adorable. She was so tiny when we picked her out and she had the biggest brown eyes. She’s great with the kids too, she really bonded with them. But god is she a pain in my ass.

For one thing, she pees everywhere. I can’t go anywhere in my house without slipping wherever she’s decided to do her business. Not to mention her poop. You know when she’s pooped. The whole house can smell it. But you can’t find it until you set your foot in it.

I’m not sure when it’s worse- when I do it with my shoe on and therefore ruin one of my nice shoes, or when my feet are bare and suddenly I feel something warm squish under my foot, the explosion of feces smell hitting every sense at once, making my eyes water and gag reflex kick into overdrive.

… Yeah, stepping in it barefoot is definitely worse.

Then of course, there’s the chewing. Oh my god. The chewing. My kids never pick up their shit, because you know. They’re kids. And of course why chew on a Kong when you can ruin a baseball bat or a phone? So many times I’ve had to deal with my oldest Lena crying because her laptop cord is chewed right through or that Jeff’s soccer ball was popped by Sadie’s sharp teeth.

It’s not just their stuff though. It’s mine. What shoes of mine weren’t covered in dog poop were destroyed. She loves the soles the most, chewing heartily through with the biggest grin on her face when I finally find where she’s stashed it. I normally just let her have it by then. There’s no point in rescuing something that’s ruined, after all.

She also has the worst howling problem.

It’s always at night. When the neighborhood’s gone dark and everyone’s headed to bed. I’m already half asleep, maybe playing some Candy Crush if there really isn’t else to do, when Sadie kicks up.

And when she howls, she howls.

It shakes the windows with the force, like there’s a full grown wolf in the house. It send shivers down my spine before I realize… It’s just the damn dog.

I kick off the blankets and go to yell at her, tell her to shut up. She immediately perks up when I’m in the room, her tail wagging and hitting the sides of her crate, not giving a shit about the fact I’m royally pissed off at her. I would smack her, that’s how we did it when I was kids, but Lena chewed me out good for that. Told me it would ‘hurt’ her.

I’m pretty sure if a semi-truck hit this lil shit she’d bounce away from it with barely a scratch. But I don’t want her to report me for animal abuse, so I don’t hit Sadie.

I scold her. Beg her, to just. Shut. Up. But not even ten seconds after I leave the room. She starts up again. Howling at the top of her lungs.

I would just let her wander the house at night, but I worked hard to have a nice looking house damn it. I don’t want to wake up to everything destroyed with piss or her incessant chewing.

There’s one more real problem. Her issues with strangers and other animals.

It’s fine when we’re out of the house. When I’m walking Sadie and someone passes by, Sadie will happily bark once and then we’ll be on our way. It’s a whole other story when we have guests over. I have to make sure Sadie’s settled in her crate at least an hour before they arrive or… ohboy.

I invited over my boss and his wife for dinner a few nights ago. The wife said they’d be there about six. Apparently when Joanne says ‘six’, she really means ‘five thirty’.

I’d just put dinner in the oven when I heard the doorbell. I felt my heart sink when Sadie barked and charged. I burnt my hand shutting the oven door when I ran to pull her off the door, while she snarled and snapped her teeth. Sadie isn’t a tiny puppy anymore, she grew like a freaking tree after we got her. She’s bigger than a Rottweiler. Yeah. That’s not a welcoming sight. It took all of my strength plus a few pieces of cheese and salami to get Sadie to calm down and sit nice in her crate.

During the entirety of the following awkward meal, I could hear Sadie quietly growling from the laundry room. I might’ve rushed my guests out the door a bit fast, but I could hear her chewing at the door to her kennel. And I wasn’t kidding about her chewing problem. By the time I got into the laundry room, the top hinge had been chewed clean off. Sadie saw me and I swear she smiled as she wagged that whip of a tail she has.

Luckily my boss didn’t hold it against me. We’d become friends over the years and I told her that Sadie had some aggression issues with people entering the house. He recommended a few tips to help with that, which I will try. Although I doubt they’ll work.

It’s impossible for me to leave the house with a babysitter too. The whole time, Sadie will be impossible to control. But… this I actually understand. I’m still a little hesitant myself. See, a couple months ago, when Sadie was just under Rottweiler size, I’d hired a babysitter off the internet. I had a dinner party at a coworker’s house and no kids were allowed. For the sake of keeping this anonymous, I’m calling the girl I hired Margo.

While I was at my date, Margo told my son Jeff she was a photographer and she’d love to have him model for her. It started off tame, according to Lena. But then she told Jeff to take his clothes off. Jeff’s only four, maybe five, and honestly the kid will strip off his clothes at the drop of a hat. He didn’t see a problem with this. Lena’s eleven. She absolutely gets the problem with this.

Lena got into a fight with Margo. I hadn’t told her to even bathe my kids, to take naked photos of them to do god knows what with is just… beyond me.

I’m not sure when Lena thought it was a good idea to let Sadie out of her crate, maybe Margo threatened her, or maybe Lena was angry, but Sadie was set free to let out her anger on the person who was scaring my kids.

When I got home, there wasn’t much left of Margo, minus blood and bits of skin scattered across my bed. Apparently Sadie had grabbed Margo and dragged her into my room, and from there, one can guess what happened. Lena put her siblings to bed and locked the door, ignoring Margo’s screams for help.

There wasn’t much to clean up. Not even bones. While I washed the sheets Sadie licked the walls clean.

Since then Sadie’s eaten two more babysitters. These ones likely ignored me when I said to avoid the laundry room at all costs, and even though Sadie has these big brown eyes and a wagging tail, she doesn’t like strangers. Do not trust her. Do not let her out of the kennel.

So yeah. There’s all that. Chewing, hating strangers, eating babysitters, peeing on things, and oh yeah, the howling. We really need to work on that howling. She’s attracting other dogs. And they keep crapping all over my backyard and ripping up the grass with their claws.

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