Guess who’s going on a cruise in December? This bitch right here! 😀
Finally, all these years of entering contests and putting my name into prize draws has paid off! I’ve always wanted to go on a cruise guys. A whole two weeks out on the beautiful blue sea. Away from stupid work, away from all my responsibilities, and more importantly- away from freaking winter.
I’ll make a special tag for my cruise album so you all can keep up on it. Hearts!
The more I read about the features this cruise is having, the more I’m getting hyped for it. I’ve been going to tanning booths to make sure I have a bod that isn’t pasty white. My mom’s super jealous, but I only got the one ticket, and I’m the one going on that boat!
Seriously though. Dream come true. Twenty four hour buffets and room service. Fancy dinners every night with waiters that dance on the tables. A stop on a vacant island in the Bahamas to spend a day chilling on the beach, sipping drinks and swimming with dolphins. Spa. Hot tub. Shows every night. I will never be bored.
Maybe I’ll get lucky and come home with a hot babe too 😉
Gonna be boarding soon! And get this- it’s the maiden voyage!
The ship’s called the Maenad, which is such a weird name, I know. But it’s sooooo pretty! So white and clean! I just hung out with this super sweet couple. The girl’s name is Adrienne, she’s a blogger too, I’ll try to link you to hers later, and her fiance’s name is Emery, and he’s. A. Hunk. He’s got the bod of a god (hehe it rhymes!). He’s got a super sexy voice, so low and smooth. And his smile, holy shit, his smile! I’m in love.
Sucks he’s taken, but I’ll just BFF it up with Adrienne.
Well, boarding happened late, and hooooly crap you guys will not believe it.
Two guys got into a fist fight like, right as we began boarding. I don’t even know what caused it! Maybe they got their bags switched or maybe they just got cranky, I dunno. But the big guy just turned around and started whaling on the other dude. The other guy started squealing before he went for the cheap hits, like kidney punches and groin shots. By the time security managed to pull them away, the big guy’s face was purple because the little dude managed to get him in a headlock. Little dude was apparently tougher than I thought, even though his nose was smashed in and bloody.
I doubt they got let on the boat with that attitude. 😛
The room’s… almost perfect. I thought I was getting a room with a balcony, buuuut guess not. Oh well, it’s still a cruise, and I still got internet! Paid out the ass for it, but can’t seem to upload any pics. Ugh. You’ll have to wait till I’m home. I’m gonna chill until dinner.
Disappointed again. Dinner was cold. I just wanted to enjoy the buffet dammit! If I wanted cold, chewy nuggets I’d go to McDonald’s.
Ugh. I guess first day was always damned to go bad. I’ll just watch TV, if I can get a connection. Although good news, I found out Adrienne and Emery are right down the hall from me! We’re totally going to hang out tomorrow.
So glad I have Adrienne around. Because otherwise today would be laaame.
Spa’s closed. Which was my plan for the first day! Adrienne is super bummed too. Lunch isn’t as bad today, at least it’s not cold. Poor Adrienne though, she went for the Chinese noodle things and ended up biting down on a chicken bone. She ended up just having some soft serve ice cream while crying about how her teeth hurt.
Tonight’s the first dinner though. Fingers crossed we get them dancing to What Does the Fox Say!
No dancing. And my soup had a really bad aftertaste, super bitter. Dessert made up for it though, brownies! I ended up sitting with Adrienne and Emery. Emery’s a pilot! Like actually licensed and everything, he even owns his own plane. I asked if he could take me up sometime and he laughed and said it was only a two seater, but maybe!
Ugh, I think the couple across the hall are having a fight. I think their names are Evan and Corine. They’re about my age too but they’re always at each other’s throats! Even before boarding they were bickering with each other. So dumb. Why am I the only one single on this stupid boat?
Had a supersuper bad nightmare oh my god I almost want to jump off the boat and start swimming home.
There was all this screaming, and these poor kitties, oh those poor kitties, people kept grabbing them by the legs and pulling, just pulling, while they cried and tried to get away. Their bones popped and snapped and then they just tore apart like paper and sparkly lil bits flew out of them, confetti. It was glittery confetti like the stuff at my twelfth birthday party.
I wanna go back to bed and never wake up.
Ugh. Slept something awful last night. I just couldn’t get comfy.
Turns out I had a nightmare too, judging by my post? I don’t remember it. So. WEIRD. I’m gonna spend today in my room. Just order in lunch and dinner. I need some me time. Meditate. Think of nice, happy thoughts.
Like Emery’s smokin hot body on top of mine. Yum.
The spa’s open! I’m gonna hit that up with Adrienne today. She invited me to go with her, gossip about the super cute but so gay guys giving us massages and doing our nails. Ugh. I cannot wait. It’s going to be AMAZING.
It was not amazing. It was not even subpar.
I’m gonna be honest and say it as it is: it was fucking awful.
First off, waaaayy overcrowded. There were a bunch of these really old wrinkly bitches with their saggy boobs practically hanging out of their bathrobes, yelling and teasing the poor masseuses and manicure people 🙁
The one doing my foot massage, I can’t remember his name, but I’ll call him Blue Hair because he has this really screwed up blue hair. You know the kind of hair where someone’s bleached and dyed it too many times? So ugly. He. Was too damn rough with my poor feet! I’m not even gonna go to dinner I’m so sore. He was so bitchy too, called me a whiner and that my feet smelled like cheese. My feet do not smell like cheese!
I was about to kick his stupid face when a really fat old woman started yelling at him about why she wasn’t being helped at this very second and how her feet were killing her and that she was going to complain to the people in charge when he like snapped? He got up and started yelling back at her, and it escalated so fast all Adrienne and I could do was watch.
Finally the old lady had enough of his sass and punched him across the jaw. Blue Hair was super twiggy so he hit the floor with a really loud thump. I didn’t see if he got up, I think the old lady was about to stomp on his head when someone finally pulled her away and out of the spa. I got the hell out of there, ditching Adrienne and just going to hell with this.
It was for the best though, Adrienne wasn’t mad or anything. She said she went in for the mud bath and oh my gosh was it bad. It smelled like actual feces and then someone started screaming about how there was blood in their mud. Like. A lot of blood.
Adrienne says someone probably was on the rag when they got in and just didn’t care, but ew! I was looking forward to it and now you can’t pay me to get near that spa ever again.
Going to dinner again with Adrienne and Emery. Apparently tonight’s gonna be a dancing night! So excited. This is one of the main reasons I wanted to come, dancing waiters on the tables sounds like so much fun! I’m wearing my cute dress, I would be showing you guys pics but one, impossible to upload, takes too long, and I haven’t taken a good selfie all day! Ugh. Bad selfie days are the wooorst.
Oh, there they are now! Better go!
That couldn’t have gone any worse.
First off, dinner was like, nearly optionless? The first night there was like a million choices, from exotic to elegant, but tonight I literally sat down and got handed an appetizer without so much as being handed a menu. I don’t even want to know what it was. It was some piece of dried out meat. Tasted a bit like pork, but maybe it was fish? Emery said maybe it was shark and that made me laugh, which helped.
Main course was burnt black steak. Not even Emery could joke about that, I swear his perfectly tanned complexion went gray when he realized the hunk of charcoal on his plate was meant to be steak. He flagged over a waitress and asked what the big deal was.
“Chef’s choice, fuck off and hit up the buffet if you’re going to be a bitch about it.”
I was floored. I heard wait staffs were so nice on cruises! I don’t think even Emery knew how to react.
The dancing though. I really, really hope the accident wasn’t as bad as it looked.
Our stupid waitress got up on Evan’s and Corine’s table, taking off her apron and swinging it above her head as some old tune crooned out of the speakers. Evan was super into it, making crude comments about the waitress’ panties while Corine fumed.
I’m not sure if it was the feedback from the speakers that made the waitress stumble or if Corine finally snapped and sucker punched her, but the waitress tumbled from the table with a scream. She slammed into the floor with a painfully loud crack and I saw blood pooling around her head.
We all got shooed out, the host apologizing and saying we’d all get a special dinner sent up to our rooms as an apology and that the woman would be fine.
BTW- still waiting on that special dinner. I’m so hungry I’d eat that excuse for a steak.
… Okay maybe not that hungry. My stomach’s still churning from the meat that may have been shark.
Dinner was delivered ten minutes ago. It was the same damn steak from last night. It was so cold now though that it was practically rock solid, and I swear it started to smell a bit. It went into the garbage. I’m nauseated and super tired. I can’t get the sound of the waitress’ head hitting the floor out of my head. I really, really hope she’s okay.
Corine and Evan are having the LOUDEST SEX EVER in the room across the hall. I’m pretty sure the mainland can hear her orgasming, oh my god, SHUT UP.
I think I saw someone get divorced at the buffet.
I was loading up on lukewarm french fries and half cooked chow mein noodles when the quiet argument turned up a few notches. I turned to see this middle aged couple screaming at each other while their little kids stood to the side, eyes like a deer’s in headlights.
No one even bothered to get in between them, I think she was mad about him letting their kids eat nothing but garbage all week, and he was mad she had a stick up her ass. It ended with her ripping off her ring and pitching it into the ocean. His face went purple with how pissed he got, screaming about how that was a family heirloom and all that shit. I got the hell out of there, they can get this damn plate back later.
Holy shit the angry guy threw his wife overboard.
Emery ran in my room looking sick. He was tanning with Adrienne on the top deck when the woman, apparently her name was Delia, ran up there and she looked terrified. Angry husband Donald ran up after her and grabbed her by the hair. Emery tried to get up to break it up but he wasn’t even finished crossing halfway when Donald dragged her to the edge and threw her over his head into the ocean, telling her to ‘go find the fucking ring!’
I am. So glad I didn’t see that. I don’t know if she’s even okay, can you fall from the top deck to the ocean without, ya know, breaking every goddamn bone in your body?!
Emery’s hiding in here for now, he wants some comfort. Adrienne needed to be alone.
His hair’s so soft, I wanna pet it all day.
Christmas Eve and I’m so homesick.
I don’t want to go to the special ‘dinner’. Knowing what luck we’ve had so far, someone’s probably going to get frikken impaled on a dropped knife or something. So just buffet. Which has gone dramatically down in quality for how little we’ve been out here. It’s cold, it’s undercooked, it’s overcooked, it has a horrible aftertaste. I’m going a little crazy.
I just wanna be home.
At least tomorrow we’re on the island. Won’t blog until I’m back on the boat. Don’t think I’ll have signal.
This was the WORST CHRISTMAS OF MY LIFE!!!
Okay, so the island was kinda nice at first. I saw no sign of Donald or his kids. Or Corine and Evan. But Adrienne and Emery were there! Emery helped me apply suntan lotion, and his hands were like a god’s. Adrienne got a bit pouty but she was happy after we went swimming together. She’s such a good friend. <3
So much was a lie though. There was no wait staff to bring us drinks. The dolphin meet up had to be booked ahead of time, which none of us knew, and by the time it was noon people were getting a lil testy. I mean, we were promised a beach haven and all we got was basically the same crap you get at home, except it’s salt water.
I heard yelling about half way through the afternoon and went to check it out. I thought it was just two guys rough housing in the water until I realized what the teenage girl next to them was screaming.
“Help! He’s gonna kill him! Oh my god, someone help!”
I ran into the water, Emery hot on my heels. The one guy was holding the other underwater, and I nearly puked when I realized the other guy had stopped struggling. I tried to shove the guy’s attacker but it was impossible, he was so much bigger than me and I just couldn’t move him. Emery tackled him so hard he sent them both down into the water, and I dragged the drowning guy up, trying to smack his chest to help push the water out of his lungs.
He wasn’t breathing.
I think the attacker was put in custody. The girl said they were just horsing around to get her attention when the victim accidentally hit the other guy in the dick. Apparently that was worth murder.
I want to go home.
I think I just heard Emery at the door, so I’ll end this post here.
I slept with Emery last night.
It didn’t mean to happen, it just did! He came to me for comfort because apparently Adrienne was being all cold, we were close, I set a hand on his thigh, our eyes met and just… fell into each other’s arms.
He told me this morning he’ll break off the engagement with Adrienne after we get back home. I’ve apparently showed him what it’s like to be with someone who cares. I feel so bad for Adrienne but… Emery’s so nice guys. He’s the perfect man. He listens, we have sooo much in common, and I’m sure Adrienne will understand that maybe he and I have something that we never thought we’d find with another person.
I still had awful nightmares though. Maybe it’s the guilt.
I shouldn’t feel guilty though. I shouldn’t.
I’m suing this cruise line when I get home I swear to god THERE WAS BUGS IN THE FOOD
I was eating with Emery, having a good time, he took a forkful of noodles and was about to put it in my mouth when I saw the carrot start to twitch. And then it exploded and squirmed and buzzed IT WAS A FLY. There was. A fucking fly. IN THE FOOD.
I puked all over Emery and I’m so embarrassed, but just seeing it writhe while impaled on a fork was too much. I’m not eating another damn thing on this cruise. No way. I’ll starve myself until we get back home. We’re docking on the first. I’ll make it that long.
I’m starving but oh my god I can’t stop thinking of that fucking fly. I almost caved and ordered room service twice but just. Flies. I can’t stand flies. They make me itch. Emery hasn’t been in to see me all day and I’m super depressed. Today’s the worst. I’m hungry, I might’ve just lost my new boyfriend, and I just want to be home.
I think I heard someone die.
Corine and Evan were arguing, and then they were sexing, and then I heard Corine laughing while someone was choking and gasping. There was a thump and something dragging, and I’m too scared to get out of bed.
This is the worst fucking cruise.
She’s been at my door for half an hour, knocking and saying she has to talk to me. No way. No how. Am I opening that door. She sounds like she’s been crying, but I swear to god she’s going to kill me. I don’t know if I was imagining Corine murdering Evan last night but I’m paranoid as hell. I just keep closing my eyes and hearing that choking or seeing that poor kid get drowned by his friend.
Everyone on this ship is crazy.
She’s left for now. Oh my god my stomach hurts. I’m so hungry. But if I leave I’m gonna get tossed overboard like Delia.
She’s brought reinforcements. I hear Corine out there too. I’m so scared.
They’ve gone for now or they’re just being really quiet. They probably think I have to leave sooner or later or have food ordered in. The only time I’m having that door open is when I’m all packed and disembarking this stupid fucking ship. This is a nightmare.
I don’t hear anything. I’m scared to go to sleep. I’m scared to die. I’m praying. I’m praying so hard right now.
They broke into my room last night. But they didn’t kill me.
Adrienne and Corine just wanted to talk. And all we did was talk. And I feel so bad for thinking they wanted me to get hurt. I’m so selfish and stupid, I only cared about what I felt to not see what was going on right in front of me.
Corine is Emery’s ex. They were engaged too. She showed me pics on her phone of her wedding dress, and she’s so pretty. But he left her for another woman. She had no idea he was going on this cruise too until she saw him while they boarded. It’s why she was fighting with Evan in the first place.
Adrienne was tricked too. Emery left Corine for her, saying that he found out how to love again.
What a sack of shit.
I’m still refusing to eat, but the alcohol on board is better than nothing. We’re just drinking and bitching about men. We all got tricked by a sweet smile and nice words. What a cunt.
Corine’s suggested we confront him all together. I’m all onboard. I’ll take the wine bottle with me, it might be mostly empty but it’ll mean business.
It took a lot of talking. A lot of arguing. A little bit of force. But we all decided it wasn’t fair only one of us get Emery. So we’re going to share him.
Corine gets his chest. The chest she used to rest her head on as he promised to fly her to the moon.
Adrienne gets his arms. The arms that used to hold her tight and make her feel safe.
And I get his head. The head which has such beautiful lips that spilled nothing but poison and such soft hair that I love to pet. They’re better now that they’re silent. We’re all in Adrienne’s king sized bed, with our favorite parts of Emery. It took some tugging… but the pop of his bones coming loose was the most satisfying of sounds.
We’ll never lose Emery again. He’ll always be a part of me.