What to Expect When You’re Expecting

When I first found out I was pregnant, I really felt like I was in over my head. I mean, me, a mom? I can barely take care of myself, let alone even imagine taking care of a baby. But thankfully for me, I had my boyfriend’s mom was in my corner. My own mom’s a fuck up and none of my girl friends have kids yet, but the moment Amy found out I was pregnant she immediately came through. I don’t know what I would’ve done without her great advice, so I’ve decided to share it with anyone and everyone that I can!  

1. Be prepared for the mood swings.

I’m already an emotional person but jeez. I literally burst into tears over dropping a tomato. My poor boyfriend, hah. Shawn’s a great guy but has no idea what to do when women start crying, so he just backed out of the kitchen. Moments later, Amy came in with a tissue box and some comforting words. She finished up dinner for me too, and lemme tell you, Amy’s a fantastic cook. Taco Tuesday is now her place.  

2. Morning sickness. You’re not ready.

No, really. One, it’s not just a ‘morning’ thing, whoever calls it morning sickness should be taken out back and shot. Two, for me? It’s lasted this whole damn time. I am constantly sick. Doctors felt bad but really didn’t have much to offer for advice. Amy comforted me, saying that she was the same when she was carrying Shawn. Sometimes I just have to grin and bear it.  

3. You can’t do as much as you used to before the pregnancy started.

Can’t eat sushi. Can’t drink alcohol. Caffeine is restricted to ‘practically fucking never’. And going for my regular morning walk in the woods nearly gave Amy a heart attack. She was probably scared I was going to fall or something, but it was still heartbreaking. I love walking in the woods! Walking on the treadmill just isn’t the same. But anything for the baby’s health, I guess. I’m going to take SO many walks when this kid is out of me.

4. Your body’s going to turn against you.

Honestly, you’d think your body would be NICER to you when you’re growing another human being. Hah. No. No, it’s not. Every pregnancy’s different, Amy tells me, and I never knew half the things that could happen while you’re pregnant. Swollen feet, constantly having to pee, I think everyone knows that happens. But spitting up blood and phlegm, nosebleeds so bad I end up lightheaded for the rest of the day, not to mention the marks that keep showing up on my body, like someone’s been scratching me in my sleep… icky! Maybe it’s just me though, I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin. Sometimes I can’t stop scratching until I bleed. Dunno how I scratch my own back though, but you can do weird things when you sleep.

5. Nightmares.

I didn’t find anything on the internet about this, but Amy reassured me that weird dreams are perfectly normal, because hormones or whatever. But my god, I never knew they’d get so graphic!  

I’m not really a horror movie person, or horror anything really. But the things that have appeared in my dreams… it’s really something else. Monsters that look like spiders or scorpions, with snapping mandibles and claws that rip my legs off and tear open my chest… I know you can’t feel pain in your dreams but I scream in agony when they pull out my heart and shred it into little pieces.

When I wake up, I’m usually crying. Shawn comforts me, calms my fears and reminds me that it’s all a dream even if my chest still twinges and aches by the time morning comes. I’m so lucky to have such a supportive partner.

6. Blood.

I had to get over being so squeamish by my second trimester. I brought up the nosebleeds earlier, but I swear I bleed like a stuck pig if I so much as get a paper cut. Maybe Amy was right about not letting me out of the woods, or really too far away from the house- who knows what’ll happen if I get a real injury? Yikes!  

It’s more scary when blood starts dripping from my ears or my eyes, but it doesn’t hurt, strangely enough. Amy’s told me pregnancy does all sorts of weird things to the body, after all, and Shawn seems to think it’s normal enough. So I just have to deal with it until the due date.

7. Overprotective loved ones.

This really isn’t about me, it’s about my boyfriend and his mom. I guess it’s just natural to worry about the pregnant lady. It’s kinda nice, sometimes, even if it can be suffocating. Like I said above, they don’t like me leaving the house too much, they’re afraid I’ll get hurt and before I can get help things will get real bad. I don’t think I’ve left the house since I’ve started the third trimester. It isn’t so bad, Shawn and Amy run all the errands, but I kind of miss my friends… well, they’ll still be there once this is all over, so it’s all for the better!

8. People will not leave you ALONE once you start showing

Everyone has their own pregnancy advice, even if they’ve never been pregnant. And I gotta say, not all of it is good, or even nice. I didn’t even know when I was pregnant when this old crone took one look at me and began shrieking about how I was carrying some sort of ‘corrupt child’. I did initially chalk that one up to complete whackadoodle. But who knows, maybe I was showing more than I thought. But yeah, when I was still going out, people’s reactions varied from judgmental since I was an unwed mom to a little… too supportive. Like this one time I was walking down the street, a guy literally stopped his car, got out, congratulated me on being pregnant, and asked if I was getting enough ‘nourishment’. LITERALLY could not get out of there fast enough. So if you’re wondering why I’m not complaining about overprotective boyfriend and overprotective boyfriend’s mom, THAT’S why.

9. Cravings.

What mom doesn’t know how weird pregnancy cravings get?

Man, I am still so embarrassed to say this. Just before I entered the second trimester, I was cleaning out a room we were going to use for a nursery when I moved a box and saw a giant spiderweb in the corner. Paired, of course, with a big ass spider sitting in the center. Gross, right? I was a total arachnophobic… well, I was.

Spiders, it turns out, actually don’t taste too bad. I didn’t even realize what I’d done until I licked one of the legs off my lips. Granted, I was originally horrified, but Amy comes in for the save by letting me know she’d eaten a litter of ‘pinkies’ when she was pregnant with Shawn- baby mice. That didn’t help at the time, but now I realize that what I’m going through is perfectly normal.  

Thankfully no more spiders have been eaten, but that’s thanks to Amy’s meal plans. I don’t know what she puts in it all, but I don’t find myself going up to the attic to hunt bugs anymore, so I’m not going to ask questions.

10. Nothing will ever be the same.

I’m never alone anymore. Even when Shawn and Amy are running errands, I don’t feel alone. Sometimes I feel like I’m being watched, but then I remind myself that I really am not alone.

I have my baby. He’s moving more and more, I can see his hands press up against my belly sometimes. He’s always with me. And when he’s born, goodbye alone time and goodbye always being free to do whatever I want.  

But I don’t care. I’m so happy to be having this baby. I can’t wait to see how much he looks like his father. And I’m so glad Shawn’s going to help me raise this little one. Next time it’ll be his baby I’m carrying, for sure.  

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