“NO! LET ME GO! FIENDS! MURDERERS! SOMEONE HELP ME, HE’S GOING TO KILL ME!”
“Odra, it’s a fucking bath. Let go of the wall.”
Dullahan paused when he saw Odra gripping onto the front door for dear life while Garl tried to pull her free. “Won’t she melt if she’s put in water?” he asked.
“No, she showers in the rain all the time, but she’s starting to smell like week’s old garbage,” Garl grunted as he gave her another yank. “The guild master said either she takes a bath or he’s giving her the boot.”
“I’ll take the boot! I’ll take the boot! Don’t put me in the bath!” Odra shrieked.
Garl sighed and looked back at Dullahan. “You have any ideas?” he asked.
Dullahan stroked his chin thoughtfully before he snapped his fingers. “I’ll use sleep on her!” he said as he stretched forward his hand, a blue light dancing around his fingertips.
“DON’T YOU DARE YOU FUCKER!”
Odra lunged at Dullahan, in the process letting go of the door. Garl caught the smelly goblin at the last second and pulled both of her arms behind her back. “Got ya,” he grunted before he carried her away.
Dullahan followed behind with a smirk. “I have to watch this,” he said with a snicker.
Odra wailed as Garl dragged her kicking and screaming down to the bath house back behind the guild. The gargoyle had already made sure to warn everyone that Odra was going in there that day, so it was mostly empty, save for a few humans hungover from partying the night before who were awoken by Odra’s shrieking.
Garl rolled his eyes as he yanked Odra back to the baths. “Dullahan, are you going to be any help?” he asked.
“No, of course not. This is just hilarious.” Dullahan plopped down on one of the stool. “I wish I had popped corn.”
“I will beat the shit out of you later, if I let go now she will just run into the woods and get even more dirty.”
Garl held Odra up by the back of her tunic. “Are you going to fucking behave? I’m not taking your clothes off for you, you’re a fucking adult,” he scolded.
Odra stuck her tongue out before she went limp. “Fine,” she grumbled. Garl lowered her to the ground and Odra shed her ragged clothes, standing before the bathtub with a grimace.
“This is harassment.”
“You smell like death.”
“I’m waiting for the next rain. Rain doesn’t have smelly soap.”
“Right now you need soap, and we’re in the middle of a fucking drought. Get in the bath.”
Odra pressed her lips together and shook her head. Garl took a deep breath.
“You have until three to get into the bath without me making you. One.”
“Stick your own stone dick up your ass.”
Garl promptly kicked Odra into the bath, the goblin yelping one last time before she splashed into the bubbles. Her head popped out and she scowled, spitting out a mouthful of water.
“I’m going to tell your next hook up that you ejaculate pebbles.”
“You mean he doesn’t?” Dullahan asked. “Also, can I look now? I don’t really want to look at a naked goblin’s ass.”
“She’s in the water, you’re fine- and I don’t ejaculate pebbles!”
Odra blew raspberries. “He totally does, with a puff of dust too!” She taunted.
Garl growled before scooping up a sponge and grabbing Odra by the scruff of the neck. “Hold still, you’re fucking disgusting,” he said as he started scrubbing crud and dirt off of her head. “Your ears still have blood in them from our last job! That was almost two weeks ago!”
“It hasn’t affected my hearing!” Odra complained. “Ow! This hurts! Gaaarrll…”
“If it didn’t get so bad, it wouldn’t have to hurt.”
Odra snapped at his hand before she sunk halfway under the water. “I’m not a kid,” she grumbled.
“You’re acting like one, so you’re getting treated like one.”
After several minutes of rough scrubbing, Odra snatched the sponge back to finished up with her legs and feet before she clambered out of the bath. Dullahan threw her a towel, somehow accurately considering he was back to looking at the wall. Odra caught it and wrapped it around herself. “I feel like I lost a layer of skin,” she muttered, burying her face into the soft towel.
“You’re welcome. Turns out there was a goblin under all that filth, who knew?” Garl patted the top of her head. “I’m washing your clothes tonight, you can just stay in our room until they’re all dry. Sahsi grabbed a child’s nightgown for you, it should be in the room already.”
“I’m not a chiiiild… can you bring me something warm to drink?” Somehow, goblins could pull off the sad puppy dog face, and Garl sighed.
“You’ll get some hot cider once you’re dressed. Now get your ass indoors.”
Odra nodded and walked out of the bathhouse. Dullahan picked up the filthy tunic left on the floor. “You’re not just going to burn these?” he asked.
“They’re her only clothes, and whenever I bring up getting more, she just ignores me and buys shoes.” Garl pinched the bridge of his nose. “Dullahan, can you get her that cider? I’m gonna be here a while. Anyone else touches those, they might catch something, and gods know she won’t do a good job cleaning them.”
Dullahan shuddered and dropped the tunic on the floor. “Riiiight… I’m gonna go grab a hot coal first. Burn the plague off my hands. How can something so small be so gross?”
“You have a kid, you tell me.”
“When I picked up Sylvia, she was already making her own bed. She’s so neat it’s almost disgusting. Anyway. Hot coal. Cider. Goblin child. See you when I see you, Garl.”
Garl watched Dullahan walked out of the bath house before he scooped up the dirty clothes. Really, he was above this in every way.
But somebody had to do it, and there wasn’t enough gold in the world for the laundry women to handle it.