The Secret of Being Beautiful

You know, there was a time I thought I could keep doing porn forever.

Hi, I’m Beth. That’s not the name I use in the industry, but I think this is the closest I’ll get to being anonymous. I started doing adult videos when I was twenty, I wanted to be an actress but I wasn’t getting noticed and I’d just lost my job as a waitress. I had bills to pay. I figured I’d do it just once, something soft core, something to make sure I didn’t get kicked onto the streets.

I didn’t expect to enjoy it so much.

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TW: Mentions of Sexual Assault

The first thing I thought when I was pulled from the wreckage was ‘thank god, I’m fucking alive’.

Much before the plane crash I really don’t remember, other than being suddenly jolted awake by everyone on the flight panicking and screaming for their lives. Then I heard metal twisting, my head hit something, and then darkness.

“Holy shit, you’re alive! Oh my god, please be actually alive and your eyes aren’t just open…”

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Eleven AM.

Eleven AM and he hasn’t even come down for breakfast.

It’s tough being a single mom of a teenage boy. I don’t complain, hell no, I love my son. Jamie’s done nothing but make my life better for the most part. As a little one, he was always so quiet, loving storytime and reading books. He had always a higher reading level than most kids his age, something which I always encouraged. We made weekly trips to the library where he’d bolt to look at the books, not even pausing to look at the movie section.

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The Pizzeria Catastrophe

When it comes to these cheap arcade pizzeria places, two things always remain the same- the carpet is always sticky, and the pizza is always an abomination.

I tried not to shudder as the bland sauce touched my tongue and slid down my throat. The cheese had been taken clean off in a single, greasy first bite, and I’d been chewing on it for about three minutes before I could finally swallow it.

However, pizza is pizza to the kids, and most of them had already taken off to play in the plastic tunnels or the germ fest that was the ball pit after stuffing as many slices as they could down their throats. I had no idea how they did it. I could barely finish my piece without feeling queasy.

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Peeping Tom

When I was twelve years old I peeped into a girl’s window for the first and last time.

I lived in a pretty boisterous area of town, not too far away from the nearby college. Right down the street was a house leased to a group of maybe five to six girls. The neighborhood didn’t mind them, they didn’t have crazy parties or trash the place. In fact one of them had a habit of bringing my mom cookies, as a thank you for being so welcoming to the area.

It’s how my brother Elliot got the idea in the first place.

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Our Pet Monster

TW: Mentions of Pedophilia

When we moved to Pine Drive, I never expected to find a conspiracy among the kids there.

I was an only child and a loner, thanks to my parents always moving. My dad’s job had him hopping from state to state. It was a pretty tough going if you wanted to make friends. But he promised that we’d stay at least six months here, so I had a chance to make at least one friend.

And whadya know, on my block, there were a ton of kids to make friends with.

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Online Dating

“His name should be… Augustus Payne…”

“Holy shit, Mike.”

I covered my mouth to muffle my laughter as my friend typed in the name. He grinned as he contemplated what to put next. “We’re a millionaire…”


“We own a houseboat…”


“We love walks on the beach…”

“Holy shit Mike, you are putting way too much effort into this!”

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Old Erwin

I spoke to Erwin twice in my entire life, but I saw him almost every day while going to school. I’d pass on the other side of the street and naturally turn my head to the right to see him. An old man with patchy graying hair under a worn brown hat and squinty eyes.

That was Old Erwin.

He’d always been around as far as I knew. As a little kid he frightened me, I’d cling to my mom and ask her to hurry up. I didn’t want to be near the ‘creepy hobo’. Over time, I got used to his presence on the street corner. He was like a statue, a part of the structure.

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No Way Out

Day One

I don’t know what happened. I don’t know where we are, or well, where the apartment is. I’m keeping these notes so someone, oh god I hope someone finds these and figures out what happened to us.

Nothing was off about last night. Little bit chilly, but that’s typical weather for February. Played video games with friends, my girlfriend and I went to bed, she kissed me goodnight, I rolled over and fell asleep. When we woke up, everything had changed.

It’s still dark out although according to the oven clock it’s nine thirty AM. But it’s more than just night dark. I can’t see outside. Not the road, not the parking lot, nothing. It’s just a black void.

Rose tested the front door, no matter what she does it’s not coming open. She’s currently working on the hinges, I wouldn’t have thought of that, she’s so smart. We have power. The house is a bit cold but nothing a warm jacket can’t fix, and we just got the week’s groceries last night, thank god I remembered to get the cat food. We should be able to hold out for a while.

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The Pact

Nine years ago, I was certain my life was going nowhere. There was nothing to look forward to, nothing would change, and I would never feel again.  

I hardly got out of bed during that time. I did the bare minimum to function. I suppose that didn’t really help my depression, but for those who have been in my shoes, you probably get it. What’s the point of getting up? What’s the point of eating? Getting clean? Living?

To me then, there wasn’t one. All I did was stay in my room and hang out in chatrooms and forums on the internet. These weren’t ‘helpful’ rooms though. They were people that were in that dark part of their lives and who saw no end.  

And with three of those people, we made a plan to kill ourselves.

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