Listen! I’m not a bad guy! I was just really, really hungry. And broke. And the bitch didn’t tip.
I had been out dashing every day this bitch ordered her food. Every day for lunch, she’d get fried chicken from this small place down the street from where she lived. She’d get it with all the good stuff, mashed potatoes, green beans, potato wedges, coleslaw… god just typing it out makes me hungry again.
Again, I don’t think I’m a bad person for stealing one meal. I picked up the order, I said she didn’t answer the door while I parked a bit down the street and dug in. All she had to do was say she didn’t get it and she’d get refunded anyway! I’m not the bad guy here!
Continue reading I stole someone’s Doordash order. I think it was poisoned.
Mackenzie, I know you’ll want to delete this email when you get it, but please, please hear me out. I know I fucked up. I’m so sorry. I should’ve listened to you, I should’ve listened to Maura. I’m so sorry what happened to Greg. Please let me explain my side of things.
You know how competitive I get. The talent show was all I wanted to win. I got tunnel vision. Day in and day out I practiced, I worked my butt off, but when I heard that Greg was entering… I knew I didn’t have a chance in hell of winning. Greg has such a pretty voice, and he’s actually, well, good at impressing with it. It takes more than a pretty voice to win, and he had that appeal.
Continue reading Charm Potion
Alan: Oh my god I’m dying.
Alan: End me guys. Just take my body and throw it in a hole six feet deep.
Melody: Stop complaining, it’s not that bad.
Bruce: Shut the fuck up and pass me more coffee.
Alan: Coffee. All I consume, all I taste. Is goddamn coffee.
Cleo: I don’t know about you guys IM DOING GREAT 😀
Melody: Oh god I think she found where I hid her Monster.
Continue reading Energy Potion
Edward The Great: Hey man you awake?
Weird Cedric: dude it’s three am
Weird Cedric: of course I’m awake what’s up
Edward The Great: Tryouts for the wrestling team are in three weeks. I don’t think I’ll be able to take the heat. I know I won’t make it.
Weird Cedric: Hey hey hey don’t give up now you GOTTA make it
Edward The Great: I’m a stick. Let’s be honest. Even if I worked out every day there’s no way I could match up to those meatheads.
Weird Cedric: steroids?
Edward The Great: Are you… you’re absolutely serious. Dude. No. Illegal. Expensive. And it shrinks your dick.
Continue reading Strength Potion
Subject: ‘Do you have a potion for weight loss?’
Hi. My name’s Hannah. I need your help.
I heard about your potions while searching the internet for a miracle. You can make people more attractive, confident, smarter, stronger… can you make them thinner?
I’m so tired. I don’t care what the side effects are. I just want to stop hating what I see in the mirror. I want the other girls in the changing room to stop mocking me. I want guys to stop making oinking sounds when I pass by. Please. Can you help me?
Continue reading Diet Potion
> Subject: ‘Husband Is A Cheating B******!!!’
I cannot BELIEVE my husband. We have been married for twenty years. That’s right. Twenty years. Twenty years of me keeping our home clean, taking care of our kids, and planning every anniversary date. I never complained. I was happy with our life, with what we had.
Apparently Robert wasn’t. I come home early because the gym was closed and I find him plowing into this twenty year old blonde hussy on our couch! Our couch! We picked that couch out after we got married! And he was fucking someone else on it!
Well I threw her ass outside, barely gave her enough time to get her clothes on before I turned my rage on my husband. He’s sleeping on the couch tonight. He’s lucky he’s not on the curb with her.
Continue reading Youth Potion
Goat Man. Not exactly the most intimidating of names, but it’s a popular urban legend. Creepy ass half goat half men who roam the forests, out to murder your ass with an ax. Just an urban legend though according to most.
However, there was a Goat Man here. Or Goat Men. They’ll probably be long gone by the time I post this, so take what you will from my experience. Anyone who has a rational explanation for what the fuck I saw, you’re welcome to share.
The sightings started up a month or two ago, and I kept an eye on it all. I run a blog on the weird shit in the US. Haunted houses, aliens, and every sort of cryptid that crawls, swims, or flies. If there’s a story, I’ll be chasing it. So of course when I heard there was a legit Goat Man walking the forest, I knew I had to have a camping trip.
Continue reading The Sale Creek Goat Man
Journal Entry #1
It’s been so long since I’ve been home.
I can’t leave, not because I don’t want to- I think I’ve had some semblance of control. Some days are clearer than others. Lots of times it’s a haze. A haze of sex, music, and dancing. Other times, times like right now, I’m practically normal… except I’m surrounded by a bunch of satyrs and other girls that got entranced by their songs.
But I’m going to change that.
Continue reading A Second Dose of Love Potion
TW: Mentions of sexual assault, attempted sexual assault.
It’s been six months to the day since I was raped.
I still haven’t gone back to school, I’m doing it all from home. It’s easier so I don’t have to face him. I sometimes miss my friends, but at least there’s Facebook. Not many of them talk to me anymore. There’s a few that do but half of those treat me like I’m… different. I haven’t changed.
That’s a lie. A lot has changed. But I’m still Alex.
And I’ve finally picked up going to the survivor support group.
Continue reading Fear Potion
This is so not worth the hundred bucks I’m getting paid to do this. I hate you Gus. I fucking hate you. Now for the serious part of this ‘scientific’ journal.
My name is Brian Vance. I’m seventeen years old and a junior in high school. I’m a virgin (is this really necessary Gus) and I’ve never been on a date in my life. The closest I got to a date was to asking my eighth grade crush on a date. She said yes, but stood me up. Who’s surprised?
Gus Katsoros is the ‘scientist’ who concocted the ‘Love Potion’. It comes in a cologne and drinkable form, supposedly helps you secrete natural pheromones to attract the opposite sex. I am one of three guys using both the cologne and the drink. I will be using the cologne and drinking one ounce of the Love Potion before I go to school, and at night will be drinking another ounce of the Love Potion before I go to bed. I’ll be doing that, now.
Continue reading Love Potion