The Lamp in Grandma’s Attic

Welcome back to the adventures of my grandma’s belongings. I hope you’re enjoying us finding dismembered arms and possessed dolls. I’m sure as hell not.

This week though… the story isn’t mine to tell. Everything you read below came out of Neptune’s mouth, word for word. I just wrote it down.


… You know, none of you were there. None of you were there when the cops knocked on the door telling mom there’d been an accident. That we needed to come to the hospital right away. And that when we got there, there was no hope. Mars was DOA. Dead on arrival.  

You weren’t there after either. Sure, you were all at the funeral, but you all saw how that went. Aunt Elise and Mom getting into it, Aunt Elise blaming Mom for getting Mars a motorcycle and having the fucking nerve to call Mars an ‘idiot’ for not wearing a helmet. For fuck’s sake, there’s a time and a place for that kinda bullshit and the funeral wasn’t it. Not to mention he was twenty one. Doesn’t everyone feel a little immortal when they’re twenty one?  

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The Dolls in Grandma’s Attic

It’s not easy sorting through a deceased family’s members things.

Especially when there’s a good chance a lot of those things are potentially cursed and dangerous.

Even more so when the deceased family member in question didn’t sort them in any particular way.  

After last week we’ve all managed to arrange to stay here while we sort through these things. Again, Grandma didn’t sort them in any meaningful manner. We found glass orbs that grow strange plants in the same box we had our old marble runner in, and underneath antique dishes was a detached arm that tried to suck the life out of the dumbass who stole its ring. I can’t say what was going through Grandma’s mind when she stashed these things up here. Maybe there’s a method to the madness. Maybe the least dangerous things are up in the attic and the worst things are out in the barn or cabin.  

Honestly though, given what we most recently uncovered, I’m not even sure if we can rely on that. If Grandma had a way of sorting her things, she took it with her to the grave.

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The Arm in Grandma’s Attic

Trust me, the last thing I wanted to be doing was heading back up to Michigan to go through grandma’s things. But apparently that’s part of the will- specifically, the grandkids are the ones to go through the stuff in her house. Our parents got her money all divided between them, my dad got the most because he was there for her during nursing homes and hospice, my aunt Elise got the least because she’s a bitch.  

Let’s go over who my grandma was.  

Grandma Garnet was, well, a pretty good grandma as far as grandmas go. I never knew her husband, I didn’t know any of her husbands. She was married three times and had seven kids between them. She never got a divorce, she just had bad luck. I know the first one fell off a tractor and broke his neck when she was pregnant with my Uncle Oliver. I really don’t know about the other two, again, all croaked before I was born or old enough to really have memories. But Grandma was good. Made cookies better than any professional bakery, was good at listening when you had a problem, and always knew all the answers on Jeopardy. She probably could’ve won if she ever went on the show, but she never really cared for that. Not like she needed the money either, she was freaking loaded.

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I Moved Into The Cat Lady’s House

I bought my very first house last month.  

I had to sit in my car for a few minutes, I was just in awe for a few minutes that this house was really mine. It was one of those things that I wanted since I was kid, as stupid as it is- my very own house. And I got it for a steal, the previous owner had just gone into hospice and her son just needed to get rid of it.  

Dylan was waiting for me when I got there, he was a really sweet guy who was just going through one of the roughest times a person can. He welcomed me in, offered to help me sort through the furniture to see what I was going to pitch and which I was going to keep- he wasn’t the sentimental type when it came to flower printed couches, apparently.

I had just laughed and was about to tell him yes when something large ran past my leg and raked its claws down my leg. I screeched, hopping up on a chair and pulling up my pant leg to assess the damage. That was one deep cut, and I looked over at that flower printed couch to see the furry culprit-

a gargantuan calico cat, with the most angry amber eyes and the meanest face I’d ever seen on a cat.  

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Dark Flower – Chapter Three

Chapter Two

“Michael! Michael, shit, get back in here!”

Michael hurried back into the living room after hearing the panic in his brother’s voice. Jon gestured to the TV, which was currently showing the scene of a massacre.  

It started early this morning, when three patients broke out of their rooms and started attacking other patients and doctors. The entire hospital is now under lockdown.”

The camera zoomed in on the entrance to a familiar emergency room and Michael’s heart dropped.

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I stole someone’s Doordash order. I think it was poisoned.

Listen! I’m not a bad guy! I was just really, really hungry. And broke. And the bitch didn’t tip.  

I had been out dashing every day this bitch ordered her food. Every day for lunch, she’d get fried chicken from this small place down the street from where she lived. She’d get it with all the good stuff, mashed potatoes, green beans, potato wedges, coleslaw… god just typing it out makes me hungry again.  

Again, I don’t think I’m a bad person for stealing one meal. I picked up the order, I said she didn’t answer the door while I parked a bit down the street and dug in. All she had to do was say she didn’t get it and she’d get refunded anyway! I’m not the bad guy here!  

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Dark Flower- Chapter Two

Chapter One

“Don’t worry, I’m fine. Your uncle and I are perfectly safe.”  

On the other end of the video chat, Michael’s oldest daughter Sammy twisted her mouth into a frown. “Are you sure about that, dad? News says whatever this virus is, it’s infected a lot more people closer to the east coast,” She said.  

Michael relaxed back in his chair with a sigh. “Yeah, but the cops already rolled out and handled the worst of it, detaining the worst offenders.” Or shot, if push came to shove. “How are you, supergirl? Did your gymnastics performance last night go well?”  

Sammy nodded. “Oh yeah, it was great. If it was allowed I’d totally be able to base a four high, but coach keeps talking about insurance. Course, on the way home mom ran over one of those sick dudes, so-”

“I’m sorry, she did what?”  

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Dark Flower, Chapter One

“Jon? Jon, there’s some guy bitching out front, saying that you need to look at his car. Like right now.”  

All you could see of Jon was his lower half, his legs poking out from underneath the car he was currently working on, and he was not budging either. “Well, either tell him to wait or get Greg to handle it, I’m busy,” he said, his voice muffled.  

The younger mechanic shifted uncomfortably, glancing back to where the impatient customer was waiting. “Greg’s already on his lunch break, and he said it had to be you. He told me to say you owe him for that sandwich at Em’s?” He said.  

“Then tell him to fuck off, I’m in the middle of another job- wait, did you just say sandwich at Em’s?”  

Jon hauled himself out from under the car, his hands and face smeared with grease. He clambered off the ground, cracking his back and grumbling something about being too old to keep getting up and down like that. He walked to the front, where a man in a suit made a dramatic show of looking at his watch. “So, you need me to look at your car? Right now?” He asked.

The man cleared his throat. “Yes, right now. I don’t have time to waste,” he replied rather snappily.  

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There’s a Seam in Everything

Seven years ago I met the girl who could find the seams.

“You’ve got to see what Dani can do.”  

I let myself be dragged across the park, passed the swings and to the big oak tree, where a girl with long black hair sat with a pile of books beside her. She looked up at the small crowd of fellow children surrounding her, sighed, and set down her book.

“Can I help you?”  

My best friend at the time, Jacob, beamed and plopped a stuffed bear on her lap. “Do the thing! Luca hasn’t seen you do it yet!” He said.  

Dani looked at me and my gaze immediately went to my shoes. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to,” I murmured, feeling embarrassed about all the fuss my friend was causing.

Jacob scoffed and crossed his arms. “You don’t even know what she does yet! Come on Dani, show him!”

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Blind Date

Fuck blind dates. Last night was the actual worst.

Let’s back up. The main reason I agreed to this was because I owed my sister a favor. Two days ago she cornered me in my bedroom and told me about her friend Martha. She is a year younger than me, was feeling super bummed because her last boyfriend just flat out ghosted her, and she is super nice.  

It was either I go on this date with a girl I didn’t know or pay my sister two hundred bucks. Out of the two, I’m picking the date.  

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